DRUNK BIRDS

I am too lazy to do a top 5 about this one. Just imagine!

I'm saving this.

Jessica, for some reason I don't have permission to change the banner on this blog. If you would kindly add this code in, it would make this blog a more exciting, lively place.

Sincerely,

Ft. Tapestry

HOW BOUT THIS?

Beans or fake beans?

BOTH.

TOP FIVE: DOGS EATING

eating things that are not burritos, reviewed by: my dad, who wanted to show me a video of a bulldog eating a burrito.
1)
"well this is all wrong"

2)
"kill your dog with watermelon"

3)
this is a TOP HOLAT costa rica cookie. this cookie is 1300 calories.

this dog is 14 pounds, and is also roxy, my mom's dog, and also ate the aforementioned cookie, which is not a burrito but has as many calories as one, and also had to be given peroxide and sat outside with and watched so she didn't eat her own poisonous chocolate vomit.

4)
shut up, latte. nobody likes you. ZERO PERCENT BEST WATERMELON.

5)
that's not a bulldog, dad.
4)

REVIEW: ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S POPCORN

"as far as the game in general goes, i'd rather be paul newman."

REVIEW: PAUL NEWMAN'S POPCORN

"as far as the popcorn game goes, i'd rather be orville redenbacher."

I WANT TO BE

...in the lid of your sherbert.

TOP FIVE WHY ARE THERE TWO?

your daily top five why are there twos review by THE LADY TOP HAULAT.



"get the fuck out my house."

1) PAIN EAU CHOCOLATE

oh, that bouchon, he never knew how to just put a little in the middle.

2) DEUX BON HOMME TRES BOUCHONS


"Pour fabriquer un bonhomme, prend deux bouchons et trois cure-dents. Découpe, dans l'un des bouchons, deux rondelles d'environ 1 cm d'épaisseur. Brise les cure-dents en deux parties égales. Assemble l'ensemble pour faire ton bonhomme, peint-le avec de la gouache et met deux morceaux de laine pour ses cheveux.
Et voilà! "

3) DEUX MAWR RAWR.



"my inventors don't really know how to speak french."

4) LE 'AMBURGEHR.



"they think everything is a hamburger. this is not a hamburger, americains. also, there is not even two of them."

5) PAS DE DEUX


"part two (two)."

BEANS; OR FAKE BEANS?

This one's beans.

BEANS; OR FAKE BEANS?

This one's fake beans.

IT'S STARTING TO BECOME HARD TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT THIS IS STILL A FOOD BLOG.

FOOD REVIEW: MAMA's BISCUITS

These are the Jazz Flutes of biscuits. Biscuits-a-jazzflutes.

JF-A-B.

Jessica.

SCALAR VORTEX COMING THROUGH

TOOOT TOOT.

REVIEW: VEGETABLE

"Beans: slim, green, flexible sticks. Want to make your teeth and tongue red?"

JUST WORKING ON THAT SCALAR VORTEX

JUST WORKIN ON THAT SCALAR VORTEX

REVIEW: NEW IMAGINIARY SITCOM "WINGZ"

SHE'S A STRAIGHT-TALKING ANGEL WITH NO HAIR AND TWO GRANDBABIES

"i just call em like i tell em sumthin'. after i see em."





"say every girl ya not wanna be it. she says in din around just ding around them."

TOP FIVE 'DRESSED LIKE FOOD'S

your daily top five 'dressed like food's, reviewed by a wet cake

1)Dogs dressed like food.
"Number 1 'dressed like food.'"

2)Rapanella Sanzio
"Me? Am I dressed like FOOD?" -Rapanella Sanzio

3)Billy Collins, a.k.a. Strawberry Collins

"I'm Billy Collins, but I'm also a stawberry wearing a tuxedo." -Billy Collins

4)Giant Canned Food Snake

"When you're on the go, and everything just fashion. And you're a Canned Food Snake. #4 top five 'dressed like food.'

5)You.
"You should dress like food. You too can be top five 'dressed like food.'"

REVIEW: Candy Paradise

It's like a paradise of candy.

TOP FIVE FOOD BLOG NAMES

your daily top five food blog names, reviewed by food


1)Someone Left a Cake Out in the Rain.

"And I'll never have that recipe again. Actually. Top 1 Foods."

EXCUSE ME.

but are you guys AF Friendly?
(arm free friendly)

REVIEW: HI CHEW

upon close examination, i think this is a chew.

TOP ONE FOODS OF ANGRY TEMPERATURE

Christine's cold, impatient heart.

TOP 1 HOT FOODS JESSICA WOULD HAVE REVIEWED IF SHE REALLY CARED ABOUT THIS BLOG

your daily top one hot foods that Jessica would have reviewed if she cared about this blog half as much as she should, reviewed by Uber-Jessica.



1)Hot kale with salt and tapatio:



"I'm going to sing about all my hot, spicy kale." -Jessica in the cast of Jersey Boys.

DISAPPOINTED

I was pretty sure that Jessica was going to review the TOP 5 HOT FOODS after the scene she made in class last night. I guess some people are just not that into hot foods.

More after the jump.



And by that I don't really know what that means.







BLOGGING

FOOD REVIEW: MORE CHEESE

It's cool that there's more cheese.

Here, cleanse your palette.

Winston eating something.

FOOD ALERT: YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO EAT AGAIN

Nick says: I have seen the face of darkness, and she is horrifying. I never want to eat bananas again. Or get married. Or walk down a hall. Or look at anything. Or open my eyes.

(I'm seriously sure that 80% of our viewership does not really want to see this. This is an actual warning/apology. Run away/sorry.





Also you now will never want to eat cake again:

TOP FIVE PUDDING CATCH PHRASES

your daily top five pudding catch phrases, reviewed by pudding collins

1)Puddin' Style: "Get this on a mug."

2)Pudding Bear

"A big, clumsy, yet lovable animal who can be seen wearing camo outfit as well as diving a big blue truck...skilled in the art of Afro enginering the pudding bear can also be seen fishing or mowing the lawn..the pudding bear is what is known for being "farm strong"...however it is terrified of snakes and lizards...it's only known enemy is the public school education system."

3)I like pudding.
"0:31 = Children on the internet."

4)Puddin' 'n' Tain "You won't believe this story..."

5)Mew Pudding Waka Laka
"If you like Evil Food-Eater Conchita. You might like this Pudding."

HAPPY 75TH ANNIVERSARY, DINNER

Attention: Dinner Magazine presents: Dinner

For 75 years, Dinner has been a food celebration. Happy 75th, guys.



Just watch this long enough so that you see the dinner.

REVIEW: BRITISH PEOPLE'S FOOD

"girl, what you puttin' on them...brown...foods?"
"bitch, you don't want to know."

RECIPE: JESSICA'S GUACAMOLE.

"You just have to keep in mind that eating an avocado is like crawling back into the womb--as tears stream over my face slaving over this hot guacamole."

But after that, we are starting a fashion blog called: The Scalar Closet.

Actually, Jessica's guacamole recipe is CLASSIFED.

TOP FIVE EMO BALTO MUSIC VIDEOS TO EAT SCONES TO

your daily top five emo balto music videos to eat scones to, reviewed by Chandra of the Popcorn (Chopcorn of the Popcorn (Scones))

1)
"The Petzgirl adaptation of Balto is richly labored and seamless. It is both black and white and in color, depending on what Balto's mood is. Breathe your life into me. I'm a cartoon dog. The other dogs just beat me up. And now I'm on the ice. I can feel you. I'm falling, falling."

2)
"The Original Balto Musik Video. #2. If you only see one Balto remix video this year, make it Du Hast."

3)
"Never mind. This is the best Balto. He's a vampire."

4)"But eriously. The original. #4."


5)"The 5th Children's Food."

SWEET

RECIPE: RUMXINGER

...for when your man won't give you no dinner.



one part rum
two parts xinger

REVIEW: COLD DEAD EYES

COLD DEAD EYES

REVIEW: MARGARITA

COLD DEAD EYES

REVIEW: ICE CREAM

COLD DEAD EYES